Loose Lips Sink Ships...

especially if you're Derreck the sound guy, and particularly if you've tarried too long at the bar of your local Applebee's.

Okay, so we were dining at the Applebee's in Branson, Missouri after a long day of fishing, having been disappointed by multiple closed pizza joints. Apparently, there is no pie for you! after about 10 p.m. in the City That Sleeps Very Little. We were a fairly sedate table, hoping for a quick bite to eat before we fell asleep in the booth. The service was pretty slow, but we were in no danger of dreamland thanks to the varied tales of Derreck, who was seated with his date(?) at the table behind us. Derreck, who apparently is the sound guy at one of the local theaters, (I believe, possibly, Moe Bandy) was suavely regaling the young lady at his table with tales of past sexual escapades and other alternately embarrassing and annoying moments. The conversation was impossible to ignore (believe me, I tried), as the decibel level was commensurate with the corresponding level of alcohol consumption. Here's what we learned about Derreck:
- the production guy at the theater, with whom Derreck has worked for two years, does not seem to know his name. My guess is that he finds Derreck as goofy as we did and purposely shuns him, but that's just me.
- on multiple occasions, Derreck has sneezed and the snot has done a boomerang bungee into his mouth, so now he guards specifically against this eventuality. Also, this is very embarrassing for Derreck, and he does not tell just anyone about it. We feel special.
- Derreck has never used any illegal or prescription drugs. He does admit to having taken over-the-counter Tylenol.
- Derreck has never had a hand job in public. Shocking.
- Another of Derreck's secrets: he was once in bed with a girl and had a bad experience with "talking dirty". She said, "Derreck." He said, "What?" Has the world ever known a more scandalous conversation? He says that only three people in the world know this story. Better make that seven, Derreck.
- The young lady at the table admits to giggling in the sack, as it is like "being on a roller coaster or something". Derreck's mental picture?: his lady friend on top, saying "whee!" Derreck wishes to bring this fantasy to life, as it would "make his day". I bet.

I could go on, but those are some of the real high points. Of course, we were spared the full brunt of the conversation, as a line or two of it took place in text messages across the table, which of course is, as Derreck says, "the most retarded thing ever". Umm...not quite.