Clean Streets

My entire life has more or less been one tremendous study of human nature. I never cease to be fascinated by the human animal, especially when I choose to view life as an episode of Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom. What do I mean? The next time you're out somewhere with lots of other people, take a moment to study them with a scientific eye. Observe their behaviors as you would observe a bowl of goldfish or a squirrel climbing a bird feeder. If it helps, you can do the whole commentary bit: "It is feeding time at the Chick-Fil-A. Notice how the young female fills her tray around the single serving of waffle fries with twenty packets of catsup and a three-inch stack of napkins. After the hard winter, her fears of scarcity and famine lead her to seek a comfortable abundance whenever possible." Okay, so I'm poking fun, but you get the idea. I was plunged rather unexpectedly into my Mutual of Omaha mindset today when several people came to report - yes - another dead pelican. It is common here for birds of every description to become tired, injured, and even dead without any help from man whatsoever. This is nature taking its course. Birds fight, fly into things, try to fly through long storms, eat each other's young, and so on. It is very hard for people to accept this. They will point out the dead bird and want me to do something. Naturally, as I still have not mastered walking on water, resurrections on demand are a little outside my area of expertise. I find myself constantly collecting and relocating dead birds so that people don't have to be bothered by seeing them. Many feel that the dead birds are just an eyesore and they want to see them cleaned up and disposed of immediately. Well, what about the critters that eat the birds? Huh? What's a hungry hermit crab to do when we keep picking up all of its food and tossing it into the burn pile? I have tried to explain the food chain to people, several times nearly breaking into a full-fledged Lion King Circle of Life rendition, but to no avail. This is what befuddles me a little, though: the same people who don't want to see dead birds lying around think nothing of stuffing an empty Coke can into a chink in the wall or leaving a pile of cigarette butts beside their towels on the beach. They will even "go potty" in the changing room floors. What is wrong with people? What is the difference in their minds? What makes the dead bird so much more offensive than littering or defacating on the tile? Is it a fear of mortality? Perhaps it is an unconscious fear of disease? I don't know. The floor is open, people (for ideas, not pottying).